i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
