My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
