I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
