Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
