I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
