Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
