So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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