I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
