I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
