I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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