There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
