just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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