True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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