you mean i was at the winter classic?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
