This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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