do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
