i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
