did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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