shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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