I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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