apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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