ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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