so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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