I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
