I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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