I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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