Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
