The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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