New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
