you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
