So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
