the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
