My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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