I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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