I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
