you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
