Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
