We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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