Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
