Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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