Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
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Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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