Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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