Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
