I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
