I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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