Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
