nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
