I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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