great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
