do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
my liver is dry heaving
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
