On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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