can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.