I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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