Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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